Why I Fired My Secretary Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot thatmorning. I went down for breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasantand say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. But shedidn't even say "Good Morning" let alone "Happy Birthday". I said tomyself, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." Then the children came in for breakfast and didn't say aword. When I started off to the office I was feelingpretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, Janet, mysecretary said, "Good morning Boss, Happy Birthday," and I felt a littlebetter. Someone remembered. I worked hard until noon. Shortly aftertwelve, Janet came in and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day and itis your birthday, let's go out to lunch - just you and me." I said, "ByGeorge, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day - let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normallygo. We went out into the country to a nice little private place. Wehad two martinis with lunch and enjoyed ourselves tremendously. On the wayback to the office Janet said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day wedon't need to go back to the office, do we?" "No, I guess not," I said. She said, "Let's go by my apartment and I will fix you another drink." We went to her apartment. We had a few drinksand she said, "Boss, if you don't mind I think I will go into the bedroom andslip into something more comfortable." I told her to go ahead because Ididn't mind at all. She went into her room and in about five minutesshe came out of her room carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children. All of them were singing "Happy Birthday" and there I sat...with nothing on but my socks. -------------------------------------------------------- BATTLE OF THE DOGS The Americans and Russians at the height of thearms race realized that if they continued in the usual mannerthey were going to blow up the whole world. One day they satdown and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have five years to breed the best fightingdog in the world and which ever side's dog won would beentitled to dominate the world. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman andRottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with thebiggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest andstrongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings whichgave him all the milk. After five years came up with thebiggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inchesthick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americansshowed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot longDachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because theyknew there was no way that this dog could possibly last tenseconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russiandog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and chargedthe American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bitethe Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumedthe Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking theirheads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could havehappened. We had our best people working for five years withthe meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the worldand the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had ourbest plastic surgeons working for five years to make analligator look like a Dachshund." ------------------------- A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother "How old are you?" Mommy says "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life." The girl then asks, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?" Mommy says, "That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up." The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?" Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything." The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old." Mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?" The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds." The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex." --------------------------- Zack and his mule were walking down the road when one of Zack's friends drove up and offered him a ride to town. Zack got into the truck while his mule ran along behind. The mule was right in back of them as they reached 55, and stayed with them as they sped up to 70. "I'm worried about your mule," said the driver. "his tongue's hanging out." "Which way?" asked Zack. "Left," his friend said. "Well, stay in this lane - he's about to pass." ------------------------------------------------------------- Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was theowner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John'swife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on thestreet mistaking him for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for yourloss, you mustfeel terrible". Joe said, "Oh hell no, fact is I'm sort of glad to berid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, herbottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like dead fish.She was always losing water, had a bad crack in the back and apretty big hole in the front which got bigger every time Iused her. She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep herupright. But what really finished her off was when four toughguys rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn'tany good, but they all wanted to have a go with her anyhow. Thedamn fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was justtoo much for the old girl, while they were trying to get into theirvarious positions she split up the middle".The old woman fainted. -------------------------------------- One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. God bless Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. GoodBye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later,the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heartattack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "YOU THINK YOU"VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled,"The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!" ---------------------------------------- A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter: Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moooo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" The wide-eyed three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud." ----------------------------------------- As you are receiving my note by e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here. -------------------------------------